God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
