I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
