mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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