If that was your dad, he is hot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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