Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
