So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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