They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
