and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
