youre lurking in front of me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
