My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
