Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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