You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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