I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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