I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
