Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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