Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer