Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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