Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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