You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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