he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
