Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
