so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
