Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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