His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
