There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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