My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
