forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
