I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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