I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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