I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
