you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
