She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
