apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
