Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
