guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
