That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
