dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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