I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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