I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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