I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
