"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
