I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
