Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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