I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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