I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
