you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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