So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I love having hate sex.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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