I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
