We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
