Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
