My room smells like vodka and shame
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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