I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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