Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
