A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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