my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just pee around me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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