But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
